hi this is my first article comment and tell me what you thing and give me any advice that you cna muster up cause i am only 14 and i need all the help i can get but i will be finishing this after a get a few replies all right please tell me what you think i will apreciate all the help thank you an i hope you enjoy the begenning
Oh crap!!!!!!! no no no no no im ginna be late again..... Amber threw on her close grabed her neon green book bag and rushed out of her bed room door. Amber began running down the stairs to her peril white two story three bedroom house..
Ah well good morning sleepy head said Amber's mom. "MOM" said Amber abruptly. Why didn't you wake me.. Amber began running threw the kitchen grabing a piece of half buttered half burnt peace of toast. Wait hone-" Cant talk gotta go.
"Bu-" but it was to late she had already left slaming the off white glass door behind her. Oh well said her mother.
Hi mom. Hey sweety want some breakfast? Nuh! Hey mom where's Amber going? She forgot its saturday again.
Mom! Yes! Is there something wrong with Mrs.lose-a-lots... Hey don't talk about your sister like that..You know that she is under a lot of presure.Mickel sat down on the light brow wood chair in the kitchen at the dinning room table..
Amber came barging in the front door."You know you could of told me it was saturday" I tried to but-(YOU WERE GOING TO BE LATE) said her mother sarcastically
mickel giggled trying for his sister not to here it. And you you little tworp im gunna pound you!!! said Amber
For what?? What did i do thid time??? Dont act like i didn't just here you snickering at me its not funny!!
Im sorry! Your rite its not funny its fricking helarious hahahahhahaahah 'mickel burst out laughing'
Watch when you get into high school im going to do the same thing to you when you get stressed out and im going to start doing the same thing's to you that you are doing to me. "Said Amber"
OH yes but the only differance between you and me is that when i do it im not going to be running around like a chick with its head cut off "screaming" IM GOING TO BE LATE IM GOING TO BE LATE... "Said mickel sarcastically"
Oh yes like your going to be any better, oh and your rite you wont be running like a chicken with its head cut off screaming "IM GOING TO BE LATE IM GOING TO BE LATE" no your going to be running around like the little brat you are screaming "I DONT HAVE A DATE I DONT HAVE A DATE"
All right you to settle down and stop the bickering 'said there mom'.
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125,018 Literary Works • 672,856 Reviews
Well, it would be pretty good! But as the other reviewers (whose names I can't be bothered to check) said, you need to fix up your grammar and spelling etc. Use quotation marks when people are speaking, use capital letters and don't exaggerate with the exclamation marks.
I can't wait for the rest of it to be written.
Hi Aundreaa! I'm Kara, nice to meet you.
Oh crap! No, no, no, no, no! I'm going to be late again...
It should be like that, more or less. Don't put in too many exclamation points. Two are enough to emphasize the point. And capitalization, spelling...
Amber threw on her clothes, grabbed her neon green book bag and rushed out of her bedroom door.
Again, spelling only. No biggie.
Do you mean pearl white? Anyway, what do you mean she ran to the house? Isn't she in the house? So it should be something around the lines of, "She ran down the stairs."
You can tell us about the house later, no need to cram it in right now.
"Ah, well good morning, sleepy head." said Amber's mom.
"Mom!" shouted Amber. "Why didn't you wake me?" Amber ran from the kitchen, grabbing a piece of half-buttered, half-burnt piece of toast. (Try not to use -ly adverbs for said/the synonyms of said. Look for a better word to substitute it. Also, new speaker new line)
"Wait, hone -"
"Can't talk, gotta go!"
"But-"
It was too late. Amber had already left, slamming the off-white glass door behind her (?).
"Oh well," sighed her mother.
Hold on there. If it's glass, how come it's colored off-white? I've heard of stained glass, but...you might want to fix that. Also, notice I changed she to Amber. That's because Amber's mom can count as a she. You have to be specific.
Okay, after this point I'm confused by the dialogue. PM me when you get the dialogue straightened out because it's come to the point where I have a hard time telling who's talking. Remember, quotation marks and new lines for a new speaker.
Kudos,
Kara Hargreaves
Hey there Aundreea! Welcome to YWS. I suggest you make your way to the welcome forum at some stage- there is a wonderful team of greeters in the blue names there to help you out and answer any questions you may have. I also suggest you check out the rules and guidelines, and poke your way around and see what there is to see. ^^
Now, onto the story.
Remember to capitalise your 'I's, and proof read your work, as this makes your story instantly more readable for other members. Basic english rules are gratefully welcomed- trust me, you will get more reviews. I won't fix every spelling mistake, as you are intelligent enough that you don't need to be told every flaw, and I suggest you run a spellcheck program such as is in Microsoft Word.
One exclamation mark is all that is needed for the effect you are seeking here. Having more then one doesn't make the phrase more powerful, but instead detracts from the readability of your piece.
Close should be clothes?
Bed room can be one word; bedroom.
As a first line, this isn't too bad once you overlook the spelling mistakes. It shows what she is doing and where she is, which is good, and gives us her name. I like that.
To her house? She's in the house, isn't she? Also, you needn't give us all this information in an action sentence. It slows it down and overloads the reader. Running down the stairs is fine; do we really need to know about the house? Unless you are making a point, then minimal discription is acceptable for now.
you need these " things. It is hard to understand when someone is talking, and makes this uncomfortable to read. Also, try not to use all capitals unless it is an anogram, like the CIA.
Who is speaking? you should set the scene here. For instance;
"Hi, Mom." Amber's mother looked up from her coffee to see _____ walk in. "Oh, hi sweety. Want some breakfast?"
Give us a little information on who just came in, so far it could be anyone with the name of 'Mickel'.
Like I said, try not to use capitals, and explore other ways of exaggerating a point. Italics, descriptive language, telling how tone and pitch drop and rose, an exclimation mark.
"I tried to, but," her voice rose, mimicking Amber's, "you were going to be late."
Also, any particular reason you used brackets? They are primarly used for inserting extra information.
Remember to capatalise names, use quotation marks and check spelling. The last few paragraphs are rather rough in those areas, but I think you've got the idea, no?
-The positives-
I really like your characterisation. You have the relationship between big sister and little brother down well, and Amber really gave the sense of a stressed, forgetful teenage girl. You pulled this off well. The story itself isn't too bad, you have all the ingrediants for a good dialogue scene- it just needs to be tidied up in the grammar and spelling area. I appreciate you are new to this, so good on you for submitting and letting me see it. Also, your descriptions could be expanded by bringing in all five senses. This puts the reader in the scene.
I just suggest you brush up on your english rules- maybe your english teacher could help you? And proof read over this, and you are on your way.
If you have any questions, feel free to PM me.
-Nutty